A Battle of Mud and The Incredible Hulk

May 24, 2019

Were you to poll the several hundred players, trainers and coaches that turned up at Fletcher’s Field on Saturday it is doubtful that the over/under of those who actually wanted to play exceeded 10. Spring may have arrived in Ontario but it has been significantly more wet than dry and heavy persistent rain on Saturday morning meant all and sundry were checking phones and social media for confirmation that the games were postponed. However, like Eunuchs, none came and so everybody convened at Fletcher’s. Sam Abrams looked crestfallen as he removed his cleats that he had cleaned the day before that would have thrilled an army drill instructor whilst Josh Weaver ruefully lamented that he forgot to pack a towel. If anyone had any doubts of what was in store they had only to look at the games taking place and watch 30 blobs of blackness with no distinguishable features or kit grapple over a ball with less grip than a bar of soap. Procter and Gamble must be thrilled with surging sales. Tide ran a campaign“Dirt can't hide from intensified Tide”. Well this was dirt flagrantly giving Tide both fingers in return whilst chanting “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”  

The first few minutes saw both teams probing for weaknesses and trying to come to terms with conditions. Beach were the better team initially scoring with a penalty and using the conditions better by kicking to the wings and making good ground but a kick is only good if it actively chased or it becomes an attacking option for the defending side. A long diagonal kick saw Mark McKittrick running back to his own line. Turning with no pressure McKittrick took off and rounded the nearest defender taking play from his own 22 to just outside the Beach’s. Taylor Zak was in support and a couple of rucks later Mike Cody found Dave Reilly lurking on the wing. Stepping his marker Reilly ran in to open the scoring under the posts.  

As the half progressed, the Beach recorded another penalty but the opening try saw a change in momentum. Up front, Tony Albas could have passed for a mind reader such was his proficiently in stealing lineouts whilst the Pigs scrum began to win both theirs and the Beach’s put-ins. The back row were making good ground with ball in hand and Jake Yune was making a mockery of the conditions as he consistently broke through midfield. The game was being played in the Beach’s half and the pressure was mounting. Albas won another lineout just inside the opposition 22. The pack closed ranks and mauled forward with the same ominous dread as hearing The Imperial March with Ian Davies scoring.    

Fans of the first Avengers movie in 2012 will recall that Earth’s mightiest superheroes had to team up to prevent Loki and a bunch of aliens taking over the planet. Throughout Dr. Bruce Banner is constantly asked how he controls his anger, and thus Hulk, but does not answer. When Iron Man has managed to lead a giant monster towards the rest of the heroes. Captain America suggests to Banner that he needs to get angry immediately to take the monster down. Banner calmly turns to the Captain, delivers the line “that’s my secret Captain, I’m always angry” and instantly turns into the Hulk. Substitute angry for grumpy and you have Graham O’Neill. A modern day prop with hands as good as centre, as powerful a scrummager as you will find and one of the hardest working players on the pitch. O’Neill is the de facto coach of the 1s and commands the respect of everyone he plays with and against. Weaver picked from a scrum in midfield and from the ruck, O’Neill was next up drawing defenders in. Spotting a gap Ryan Mitchell made a glorious break only to be tackled on the 5-meter line. Cody directed play right and with that side overloaded cleverly switched it back to the left with TZak breaking two despairing tackles to score the Pigs third try. 

Weaver, Davies and James de Ree were really beginning to cause problems with their mobility and linking play. The Beach were making energy sapping tackles as the front five continually ground them down from pick and goes. These repeated one and two meter gains enabled Bay Street to control the game and allowed the halfbacks to dictate play. From an Albas lineout win on the left halfway line Reilly, Aaron Sommerhalder and Weaver all made short yardage with the latter offloading to de Ree who made a break into the Beach’s 22 before being tackled into touch. Duncan Milsted stole the lineout tapping down to a charging O’Neill who was stopped just short of the tryline. From behind the ruck, a horrific image appeared where the stooped defender with ass in the air and legs spread appeared to give birth as the mud covered face of Reilly slowly appeared from under his crotch and squeezed his arm through with ball in hand to score. 

22 - 6 at the half but the game was far from over. The first fifteen minutes of the second half saw the Beach score a quick converted try to bring it back to 22 – 13 and play some play some really hard direct running rugby that put Bay Street under enormous pressure. Their spirits were further raised when TZak was yellow carded for infringing at a ruck following a wondrous tackle from Toby Sharland. The next score was critical and it looked shaky for Bay Street as they were pinned in their own half. A relieving kick downfield put the Pigs in the Beach’s half for the first time. Mati Gordon and Sharland challenged for the ball and won it but a knock on gave the Beach a scrum. Bay Street’s dominant scrum pushed them off their own ball though and Weaver quickly picked and drove forward. From the ruck, O’Neill drove low through his tackler and over to score the Pigs fifth and final try bringing the final score to 29 - 13. As one would expect the Beach did not give up but they were met with an aggressive defence with the Pigs keeping to the pick, drive, pickrepeat gameplan which kept the game tight and wound down the clock. 

With more rain forecast for the weekend one can only wonder whether Procter and Gamble have invented a weather machine. If not hurry up Summer, we miss you.

July 14, 2018

Jeffrey Archer has had, one might say, a chequered career. Now Lord Archer he has been a Conservative MP, deputy chairman of that party, bestselling author and playwright who in 2001 was imprisoned for perjury and perverting the course of justice relating to an infamous 1987 libel trial.  In a 1990 interview the barrister and chat show host Clive Anderson, who in summing up Archer’s career, asked “is there no beginning to your talents?” A question that won’t be put to James de Ree the Otago University graduate who is sampling Canadian life and is leaving his own indelible mark on the club. In a comeback victory against a committed, well drilled and physical Cobourg side de Ree was outstanding in all facets of play. Such was his commanding influence he even took over the placekicking and nailed a conversion from the right hand touchline that Johnny Sexton or Beauden Barrett would be proud of.  It was so good that even some of the Cobourg players applauded it whilst the Pigs supporters checked the alcohol content on their Hogtown ales to ensure they weren’t seeing things.

What to make of the game itself? One could pick a sporting cliché and not do it justice. A game of two halves? Too simple. A comeback as exciting when all seemed lost to rival the plot of any fight from Rocky through to Rocky IV? Too ridiculous. A war zone where the trainer was the game’s busiest person dealing with head injuries, muscle strains, split foreheads, golf balls over eyes and where the Pigs were down to their last man standing in terms of replacements? Too clichéd. In muggy, humid conditions Adam Zweig played 200 minutes turning out in all three Bay Street games and scored a crucial try that broke Cobourg’s resistance. This game had all this and more. But what really summed the game up was ‘Huevos’. 

Huevos for those, like me, not versed in Spanish means “balls” and the former Argentinean and World Cup winner Jorge Valdano was wont to lament that the demise of his nation’s soccer prowess was due to the emphasis placed on huevos rather than skill. The latter is obviously essential but it is useless without the former. And on Saturday when the chips were down no players exemplified this more than the aforementioned de Ree and Spencer Morgan. At the half the Pigs were 0-10 down and things were not looking good. Both the influential Josh Weaver and Dave Reilly retired injured during the half and Cobourg’s dander was up. They ran hard and sniffed blood and Bay Street was not coping with it. Graham O’Neill and Toby Sharland delivered the message that dropped passes and half-hearted tackling was not good enough and an immediate change in attitude was required.

Taking all this on board the Pigs took the pitch at the start of the second half determined to put matters right…..and duly conceded a third try. 0-15 and it looked like it was going to be tougher viewing than a GOP member watching a presidential press conference denying Russian collusion in a US election. The turning point perversely was a Pigs error that led to a Cobourg break. A turnover inside Cobourg’s 22 saw their outhalf break with two men in support. With only Sharland back and a three-on-one it looked as if this would be killer blow. Showing brilliant defensive nous Sharland forced the pass to the outside man and proceeded to tackle him and then got up immediately and tacked the third supporting player (who had taken the pass) forcing a knock-on. Take a bow Toby. After this passes started to stick and tackles were made.   

Morgan took control and began running at the opposition making half breaks and creating a platform for the pack. Working off Morgan was the immense Joe Flagler. A center who would not look out of place in the pack and who may rival the legendary Peter Danner as the most physically imposing back ever to don the pink and green. Flagler made a tackle on Cobourg’s flanker that knocked the ball on. Morgan had O’Neill on his shoulder and taking a pass on the 10 meter line he stepped the fullback, broke the covering wings tackle and outpaced the chasing pack to score a wonderful try. It was sadly O’Neill’s last contribution having picked up an ankle injury in the process.   

Shortly after deep in his own half Sharland countered making valuable ground. Jordan Moss, Aaron Blunt, Kyle Pinto and Gabriel Deschenes all carried prominently. The ball went in touch but de Ree stole the lineout on Cobourg’s 22 and the pack mauled forwards. Remi Oguni ran a line and switched with Zweig who ran through several defenders and scored Bay Street’s second try.  

To every ying is a yang. To Joe Flagler’s broadsword there is the rapier of Jeff Yune. Yune who is having a tremendous season tore Cobourg open repeatedly. Bay Street won a scrum from a knock-on after another monstrous Flagler tackle. Morgan threw a skip pass to Yune who saw a gap and never looked back. Like watching a snake in the sand Yune cut outside his defender then inside the winger and shimmied as he ran which threw off covering tacklers. He touched down under the posts in a magnificent individual score.

Cobourg never gave up though and kept trying to replicate their success from the first half. Moving the ball wide Blunt tackled his man and Yune and Sharland were in quickly to turn over the ball. The outrageously talented Nick deLallo drove forward and with Cobourg’s defence creaking like the sphincter of an IBS sufferer after eating a curry vindaloo Flagler took the ball on to within a metre of the line. Oguni found Morgan on the short side who barreled over the winger to score. From here deRee nailed his incredible conversion.   

Cobourg were still dangerous with ball in hand and the Pigs knew although they were now 26-15 up that the game was still in the balance. Awarded a penalty in their 22 deRee had the rugby nous to know that an additional three points would require Cobourg to score two converted tries to tie the game. Stepping up he converted the penalty to put it out of Cobourg’s reach.

The game ended 29-15. Bay Street were victorious, Cobourg for all their valiant efforts and gutsy play left with nothing. Sometimes sport can be cruel as a player. Sometimes it can be crueler watching as a spectator. Please Pigs; let’s see your considerable talents from the beginning next game. 

July 7, 2018

There has been somewhat of a passing of the guard in Bay Street RFC the past couple of seasons as the club regenerates like Dr. Who from the last of its original playing stalwarts to a much younger and arguably more talented crop of players.  In his novella Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption Stephen King wrote “Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” Dave Jacks took a break from rugby for about a season and half to allow his body a break from the remorselessness of his style of play and the club was that much more drab and empty for his absence. A ferocious tackler and ball carrier it would not surprise this hack if part of Jack’s pre-match ritual was revealed to be exposing himself to gamma radiation à la Dr. David Bruce Banner. Jacks made his return to the fabled pink and green of Bay Street on Saturday and did not disappoint. The 2018 version may be leaner but that mean streak or power on the pitch has not diminished one jot much too all his teammates and supporters delight.

Games against the Saracens are normally tight, physical and edgy affairs and this one was no different. The Pigs took the pitch shorn of several first team players including their second row partnership of Josh Weaver and Tom Schwitzer with both falling victim to that dreaded of syndromes that affects all 4 out of 5 rugby players with partners; wedding season. Stepping into their places were The Beast Max Grouette and Samsom lookalike Tony Alblas. Neither were found wanting. Bay Street rushed into an early lead with the gazelle-like Tommy Stokes gliding through the Saracens defense to touch down before the 2’s even had time to open their celebratory beers having dispatched their Saracens counterparts by a score line of 54-20. Saracens are a formidable bunch though and struck back through their pack scoring a converted try and penalty to take a 7-10 lead. Bay Street did not wilt. A scrum on the 10 metre line saw Remi Oguni release his backs. Stokes ran another gorgeous line taking out the opposition midfield and drawing the winger before releasing Taylor Nash who beat two covering defenders to score right in the corner. It was beautiful. 

The pack was immense and began to take control of the game with Dave Reilly, Graham O’Neill and Tom Clancy being particularly prominent with ball in hand. Saracens found themselves camped in their own 22 for large periods of the remainder of the half with Stokes, Grouette and Nash all coming close to increasing the Pigs lead. Saracens were resolute and admirable in defence but even the toughest diamond can only take so much pressure before being crushed. The Saracens number 8 picked from the base of a scrum and, having been met by Tom Clancy at the line of scrimmage, was duly sent homeward to think again much like Proud Edward’s army in the Battle of Bannockburn. Saracens had no time to organize their defense and James de Ree pilfered the ball from the ruck. Nash made a break and quick ruck ball secured by Ian Davies and Grouette allowed Taylor Zak combine with the hugely impressive Stokes to make another big break into Saracens territory. Brought down just short of the try line Zak and Josh Sellars secured the ruck and Alblas picked up and scored the Pigs third try. 

The second half continued in much the same vein with Bay Street applying wave upon wave of pressure. Sellars was making the hard yards in close and the ball was whipped out to the outside backs who were beginning to shred the Saracens defense. From a scrum tight to the left hand touchline on the oppositions 22 Nash came in off his wing to take a short pop from Spencer Morgan at 10. Chris Boyack, Alblas and then Dave Jacks drove the ball to the line. From the ruck Graham O’Neill’s superb body angle made him as impervious to attempted tackles as Neymar is to shame given he was timed at spending 13 minutes 50 seconds rolling around the ground during the World Cup. Saracens scored almost immediately when their excellent fullback made a break which was finished off by their wing close to the posts. 

The score was now 24-20 to Bay Street and the team were well aware of how important it was to keep hold of the ball. Staying true to their mantra of champagne running rugby Bay Street did what they do best in moving the ball rather than playing the percentages. Morgan threw a skip pass in his 22 to Jake Yune who gave a delicious dummy and ghosted past his marker before drawing the winger and releasing Nash. Reilly took the ball on and then cometh the hour cometh Dave Jacks. Jacks picked and ran straight. And ran. And in doing so smashed through two would-be tacklers before getting up and running straight again before three different Saracens finally took him to ground. It was uplifting and brilliant and it broke Saracens resolve. Pinned deep in their half Saracens had no option but to try and run the ball but they were met with a resolute defence determined not to give an inch. Second half substitute Matt Riggs made the last thumping tackle which resulted in a knock-on. The referee blew for full time leaving a tired, sore but elated Pigs team.

One of the central themes of Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption is that of hope. Well I hope we see Dave Jacks again in Bay Street colours. I’m equally certain that opposition teams hope they don’t.